Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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