sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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