I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
