On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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