I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
