I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
