I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
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You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
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While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
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