We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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