I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
