Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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