You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
