I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
