He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
