life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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