u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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