I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
