need another drink. this is the easiest way
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
