my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
