Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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