Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
