I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
one might say we're banned from that church
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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