I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
