yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
