i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
