HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
