Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
