Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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