I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
