you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
