Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
