Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
