i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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