So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
