You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
