He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Randomize
