I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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