pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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