What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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