If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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