you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
