come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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