My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
