there's paper in my vomit.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
