When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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