mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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