another moral hangover. fuck.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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