but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
