I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
