literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
