My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Randomize
