Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
