I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
