if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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