You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
