Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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