i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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