when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
