i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
