I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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